And he's not even my kid... * update 7/9*

[RatAttack59]

So last night, I wake up at about 1 AM hearing my 16 year old sobbing and frightened talking to her sister.  I went to investigate, to discover her boyfriend's father lost his mind, there was some sort of confrontation, and the boy was either thrown or walked out of the house.  The mother calls my daughter, who calls her boyfriend, and he's walking more or less in our direction (we are a 20 minute drive away - remote rural roads).  The mother goes out driving and eventually calls my daughter again, asks to speak to me and says if he turns up, by all means take him in, if I'm agreeable.  Steph finally gets through to Will again, gets his agreement, and we go retrieve him.

Now, I know teenagers can be complete idiots and INVITE drama, but this has me worried.  The situation goes basically like this:  The kids were out at an event, and Will's mom picks them up and drops Steph home about 11:00.  Later tat night, Will and his mom get into a heated discussion (according to Will it wasn't quite a fight - might be some but covering there). His dad evidently overheard part of the exchange and lit into him for being disrespectful (quite possible - he's 16).  Will tells his dad it was just an exchange of opinions and quite frankly none of his business (less than diplomatic, but again, he's 16).  Dad goes through the roof.  Starts yelling about behavior allowed in "his" house, that he "sacrificed" his vacation so that the kids could go (Will pointed out that he CHOSE not to go because he's paranoid about flying), starts in on how he does "everything" an provides "everything", etc... and if he doesn't toe the line he can just leave.  Mom at this point has retreated, Will storms off, next thing he knows the father is shaking his mother, Will intervenes and his dad threatens to clock him one, shaking a fist in the boys face and drawing back to hit him. Will grabs his coat and phone and tries to leave.  Mother tries to stop him, will moves her out of the way, the Father starts yelling at Will yo keep his hands off his mother, Will calls his father a hypocrite, and departs, with his father hurling verbal abuse at him in the form of things like "I wish I'd never made you" and "you are not welcome here any more - don't come back".

So Steph texts his mom to tell him we've got him, he's safe.  Things settle down for a few hours, and in the morning Will calls his mom, who again talks to me to make sure it is really OK for him to stay there through Monday morning (he's visiting out of town friends next week).  Will talks to a few trusted adults, including, at least briefly, his therapist.  One adult friend talks to me as well, I think as a sanity check.  Later his mom drops off some things he asked for and they have a long conversation in the car.  She comes in with him, looking strained but very polite.  There are things I want to say but one look at her face tells me she won't listen.

I've asked Will to convey a message to his therapist for me.  What happened last night night was domestic abuse.  It doesn't solve itself, ever.  His mom needs to see a therapist of her own, even if his dad won't go.  I lived through this, so I know.  I also told him that whatever his mom may have said, his father's behavior was inexcusable, and that sometimes adults try to find excuses for other's behavior for obscure reasons.  She doesn't work, but used to be a Physical Therapist.

There are no marks on the boy, I didn't witness anything.  I don't know if I'm obligated to speak up or not, and I'm not sure who I would talk to.  I don't know Will's parents terribly well - they are vastly better off financially than we are.  We're in PA.  Did I do right?  Did I do ENOUGH?

[JR1030]

Geez.  If the kid has a therapist, my feeling is that he probably already mentioned this sort of thing to her/him.  Can you call the guidance counselor at his school?  I'm pretty sure they would have an obligation to keep your identity confidential, but also be obligated to help the kid or his parents.  You might want to check that.  I had concerns at the preschool where I used to work that one dad was abusing one mom (she came in with suspicious black eyes), but my director told me there was nothing she could do or report because the kids showed no signs of abuse.  I have always wondered what happened to that family. 

[strangeduck]

Sounds like you are absolutely doing the right thing.  As someone who was "rescued" from an abusive family situation by parents of a friend, I want to say thank you for not doing as so many do and saying "It's not my problem." 

I do feel that as an adult, you have some responsibility towards getting help for the boy.  I think even those of us who aren't, ought to behave as mandated reporters.  Start with the school, but if nothing happens, you may have to involve Child Services.

You also probably need to start thinking now how long you are willing to house this boy.  If he can't go back home and there is no nearby family to take him in, are you willing to let him move in with you?  In my case, it was just a friend and another girl at that, so my parents didn't have the burden of they whole "boyfriend/girlfriend" thing.  I'd be pretty clear about the rules with both your daughter and her boyfriend in any case.

You might want to let him know that in the event he needs an adult to talk to, you are there with a willing ear and that you will listen in a nonjudgemental way.  My guess is after a scene like that, what the boy needs most is some lighthearted normalcy.  A family dinner and a night of movies or games can go along way to relaxing him.

Thank you again so much for being willing to help and for caring.  I wish everyone reacted as easily and generously as you have done.

[RatAttack59]

Unfortunately he goes to a very expensive elitist private school, and the "councelor" the tried to talk him into transferring to another school.  She heard that he is medicated for depression and thought he was a detriment to the school.  The school goes out of its way to disrupt normal family life, with classes Satutday morning, frequesnt "closed" weekends, and even exams on Labor Day.  I am hoping that his therapist will take action, if there is action to be taken.

In the mean time, I have an appointment with MY therapist on Monday; she;s very good and legally savvy.  She may have some answers.
I've been a "crisis center" for a couple of my older daughter's friends - one of them counts as an adopted daughter.  We are working on the normalcy - Steph did burgers on the grill, the corn's in the pot, and they just got home from the movie.

If his parents insist that he go back to the private school, he boards there, and that's in September.  We are away in Maine for a week in July, but except for that he is welcome here, period.  Same as my other adopted kids (two girls, two boys, but the boys are both gay so I've not had to deal with the bf/gf thing living in the same house before. Not that those kids are here overnight very often). 

And thanks for the sounding board.  I feel a little more confident now.

[RatAttack59]

So the latest- his father says the kid can come home but doesn't want to see him.  I about sputtered.  Grow UP! Who's the adult here??? 

[strangeduck]

Ugh...you know...biological ability shouldn't be the only requirement for parenthood.

[Lilija]

I don't know how it works in PA, but my dad's a medical social worker, and in any case like this where there's clearly abuse happening, he always encourages me to call the state.  Family services.  It's a myth that they break up families, often they'll remand them into therapy together, and seek to rehabilitate the abuser, if that won't work, then stronger measures are taken.  But, it sounds like this kid has anything but stability in his life, and if dad's shaking mom, what else is going on there?  If they had a blowout like this over something seemingly minor, then what aren't you seeing?  I have some personal experience with this kind of thing (from many aspects), and I think maybe getting some help from social workers might wake mom and dad up a little.

You're doing the right thing, getting involved.  When I was a teenager, I went through some serious times with my mother's husband.  My best friend's mother took me in like I was one of her own many children, and I think she saved my life, in more ways than one. I slept on her couch for about 3 months solid, trading my cooking/cleaning/babysitting skills, for a safe haven.  It means a LOT to have a solid, stable, safe, normal home, and an adult that will listen.  It meant so much, I can't even adequately describe it.  My "second mom" will forever occupy a huge spot in my heart for just -being- there, so know that you're helping Will out a lot.

[RatAttack59]

We've decided at this point not to involve children's services, mainly because they will remove the kids first and investigate second, combined with the fact that it's unlikelythat the boy would be allowed to stay with us AND what it would do should the kids go back to their family and the parents knew I had called.  The last thing we want is to disrupt the stability the kid has with us.  And all of my information is third hand.  While I am quite sure that Will is telling the truth, 16 year olds thrive on drama and the authorities may or may not view it that way.

The kid knows he's welcome here, we need to think about where he might stay the week we're away.  Taking him with is not an option due to 1) the car having only four seats, already occupied, and 2) the rental only having two bedrooms and a sleep sofa, also already occupied (although the inflat-a-bed would fix that easily enough).

[RatAttack59]

Latest upddate-

Will's been in NJ since Monday, is now with a local cousin for a few days. He was going to have lunch with his dad today, but his dad declined, because it was on Will's tewrms, not his. I'm beginning to wonder just who the teenager is, here.

On the bright side, Will's therapist - and the therapist's wife, who also happens to be a psychiatrist, as is the therapist, are meeting with both Will's parents tomorrow, which is what I was hoping for.  My word holds no weight, and my opinion has not been solicited, although the mom did call, all on her own, to thank me for being a second mom.

My daughter (Will's girl friend) has been in Florida since Wednesday with her dad and will be home Monday, when Will coms back to us.
At least the rat cages got cleaned today (the guest bed is in the den/rat room) so the poor kid won't be stunk out.  I was a day late with this week's cleaning.

[JR1030]

Thanks for updating.  I wonder if the dad will tell the therapist how he refused to see his own kid.    I'm so glad he knows he has a safe haven with you. 

[RatAttack59]

I don't know. It would appear that he's completely self-righteous and sure of himself, but he's not really stupid. On the oter hand, I'm sure that the boy told the therapist, so it isn't likely to go undiscussed. It just absolutely gripes my that an adult would intentionally inflict such damage on their own (or ANY) kid. I think we've all said things and done things in the past that we weren't very proud of, but we get over the mad and we apologize.

[RatAttack59]

Well, the youngster is back at his own home, although not entirely of his own volition.  My daughter says his parents "more or less ambushed him" and said he HAD to come home, or (unspecified consequences).  He wanted to think about it and talk to the therapist, but evidently that kind of delay was unacceptable.  Two thought occurred to me.

One, Will is throwing something of a powerplay himself, and his therapist has advised the parents that they are legally entitled to insist that he come home (whether or not he said that was advisable is debatable).

Two, the parents didn't like what the therapist and his wife had to say yesterday, they have rejected the therapists' council, and have decided to force the issue on their own initiative.

It will be interesting to see if they put Will on restriction or try to keep him from talking to the outside world.  If that happens I may need to rethink talking to the authorities.  So we play a waiting game here; I am not entirely happy with the situation but again I'm not his mother.  Seems to me coercion is just not a good road to head down, here.

[Lilija]

That sounds kind of...eh, I don't know, but just hearing it from this vague perspective, I don't care for it.  Whether Will is doing the powerplay thing, or not, he's not in a good environment to be a teenager in, such drama and turmoil.  You're in a tough spot, too, because really what else can you do besides what you already are (without getting the state involved...).  I hope everything works out, keep us posted.  Your daughter is probably worried as all hell too, I bet.

[RatAttack59]

It looks like Mondays "ambush" was a bit overstated, and things are going well for Will at home.

Apparently his mother met him at the train station as he was on his way to see his therapist Monday.  She didn't interfere with the appointment but did insist that he come home.  The father appears to have apologized profusely to the mother after Sunday's session, but the discussion with Will (from Will's point of view, anyway) was an attempt at a guilt trip, no apologies, and no indication that he shared any of the blame for the escalation of hostilities.

So it seems to be a mixed outcome but at least he's home, and they have not restricted his access to the therapist - or to Steph for that matter.