My ex says I'm being a greedy &#@%^....What's your opinion?

[strangeduck]

My ex and I have shared legal custody of our daughter, but I am the custodial parent.  He pays a whopping $251 a month in child support and I am unemployed due to Lupus and Fibromyalgia.  Basically, if it wasn't for the fact that I live in a house my parents own so I pay minimal rent and that my girlfriend works fulltime+ I'd be up the creek without a paddle. 

Prior to this year, the law didn't allow my girlfriend to claim my daughter on her tax report, so I signed an agreement with my ex for the last two years that he could claim her as long as he gave me "my share" which was half of what he got back for claiming her. 

This year, however, my girlfriend can legally claim her, and since she supports us both, that was our plan.  Until my ex informed that he and his wife had already filed, and claimed my daughter and that he would give me my share again this year.  Well, I was a bit peeved, and also alarmed since it's illegal for him to claim her since she is not a "qualifying child" because she doesn't live with him for more than half the year, besides which he doesn't really support her.  Those of you who have kids know just how far 251 dollars a month goes for kids.  And he doesn't do any "extras" like buy her clothes, shoes, pay for sports and activities, that's all me and my girlfriend.  Anyway, I told him, okay you give me "my share" and next year remember not to claim her.

Well, on Friday he called me to tell me that he decided that he wasn't going to give me a dime because he read somewhere that if my girlfriend and he both can claim my daughter as a "qualifying child" that the tiebreaker goes to the biological parent.  However, since she only sees him every other weekend, that doesn't count as half the year and therefore she is not a "qualifying child" for him.  We argued, he admitted what he was doing was ethically wrong but since he needed the money, he was going to do it anyway.

Well, I called the IRS and asked them about the situation and they told me my girlfriend could file an amendment to her taxes (she'd already filed and gotten a small return) and that then the IRS would investigate the decision and since he wasn't supposed to claim her, my girlfriend would get a bigger refund back and he would have to return any money that he got for claiming her, plus pay penalties.

Now, he hasn't worked since January 1st, so I know they don't have alot of money right now, and certainly not enough to pay for all of this.  I don't want to put him in an even more difficult position, but I feel like he's stealing from us by doing this.  We have an appointment with her tax preparer on Tuesday and we've given him until then to do the right thing, or else we have no choice but to file.

The worst part about all this is that we had all been getting along very well for several years now, after alot of horrendous fighting for the first 4 or 5 years of my daughter's life.  My girlfriend and he are (were?) really good friends and played music together regularly.  We did stuff like barbecues and holidays together so that my daughter could have her parents with her on important days.  My girlfriend spent the last month working on helping him build a patio in his back yard on her days off.  And now all of that is coming to an abrupt end because of money.

If we were well off, well then I probably wouldn't care, but we're not and we're a one car family right now and since I live out in the boonies that's really not good, and we were planning to use that money as a down payment on another car.

So, basically I guess I just want to know what other people think of the situation, and what they would do in my shoes?

[KoalaLou2]

I would also assume that this would mean he gets the $300 extra in the stimulus package as well.  So thats even more money that he is stealing from you.  I'd say that stealing is stealing.  Him losing his job is no excuse for taking money that doesn't belong to him.  Especially taking it from his daughter!!  And why is he building a new deck if he doesn't have any money?
He has already ruined the peace that you'd worked so hard to establish.  He has taken it past the point of acceptable and I don't think you have any choice but to file against him.  If you let him take the money, he's only going to try to take more money in the future. 
Honestly, I would rather risk the relationship with such a poor excuse for a father than to have my child think that its okay to let people abuse you.
Just my opinion.

[ScoutGotBig]

Ok, I'm probably making it way, way too basic.

But from reading what you've written, it seems like basically, your ex is trying to steal the money that should be going towards you and your GF.  So, to him, he's the greedy pig.  There is this weird thing out there called a job, he can find one - even if it's only flipping burgers or stocking shelves.

I don't have kids, but even I know how far $251 doesn't wind up going in the end!

[Suebee]

I'm inclined to agree... but I will admit, I am biased... as the child of divorce, who watched her father nickel and dime her mother for 20 years. He paid child support from 1982 through 1996 without any increases, though cost of living surely increased, never mind that child expenses increase with age (2nd grade through senior year of college, if you're keeping score). All sorts of money he owed my mom for college expenses, that she never saw. I added it up, because I saved all my receipts for college supplies -- over $10k.

But, anyway... that's the kind of future I am picturing. You need to put an end to it now, or he's going to keep trying... forever.

As was said, he's a big boy, he can get a job... and put off any frivolous home improvements.

If anything YOUR DAUGHTER should get that $300 rebate. Put it away for college.

[NutKitty]

Considering you were nice and decided to let him just give you the half as usual, and he's the one that decided he wanted to be greedy and get the full amount when he wasn't entitled to it, then by all means - let your girlfriend file for the money.

[reesesgma]

I think you have been quite nice and you should see your tax person to get things rolling on that amendment. It was wrong of him to expect you to allow him to claim your child without written permission. If you have had your child living in your house for over 6 months of the year, you have every right to claim her yourself. Do not let him make you think you are in the wrong. He is just scared and does not think hes done anything wrong. If he plans on not giving you a cent for support, maybe he needs a nice reminder, that even though you dont work, that payment still adds up.

Btw I get 171 for my oldest when his dad wants to pay, he is back 26,000.00 That would be a nice stimulus check huh....

[~*ChaoticSerenity*~]

I also agree.... that money doesnt belong to him. you have been very kind through this thing.. you and your gf are supporting your daughter.. you, your gf, and your daughter deserve that money not him. id def. file for the amendment!

[andrea1970]

SO, in this scheme where he claimed her and gave you half of what he got back for claiming her, did you guys actually figure his taxes with and without her and split the difference?  Or did he just give you half the refund, whatever it was?  In my opinion, the first method would be the correct way to do it, although a royal PITA.  Because the refund could be lowered by incorrect withholdings through the year.  To me, the correct way would be to figure his taxes wihtout her as a dependent and look at the total tax liability (say $3000 in taxes for example), then figure it up with her as a dependent and look at his total tax liability AFTER the child tax credit (say $1000 in taxes).  In that scenario, you should split the $2000 difference, which would give you $1000.  If you're just splitting the refund, you could be getting screwed -- if he only has $1500 withheld for the year and claiming her gives him a total tax liability of $1000, then the refund is $500 and you'd only get $250.  No idea if he or his wife are smart enough to figure out how to screw you that way, but you never know.  Let me just say *I'd* know to do it, even though I likely would not do it unless the situation was just grossly unfair.

I hate to say it, but it may be something you have to go to court and get your decree modified to consider the new tax arrangements.  MANY, MANY divorced parents simply alternate years, regardless of who's paying the lion's share of the child's living expense.  It's not completely fair that way either, but life after divorce is never going to be fair.  But maybe the ex would agree to that compromise.  The risk of going to court is that he may petition for reduced/no child support in light of his non-income.  But, it may be best to get whatever arrangement for taxes into the court record so that it's perfectly clear.  I'm actually surprised that your divorce decree did not cover the tax issue, most do.  The parenting plan in your divorce decree could also bolster your case to the IRS that she is not a qualifying child for him.

Regarding your fibro/lupus -- if you've been out of work at least a year and don't foresee returning to work anytime in the next few years, you may want to consider applying for social security disability.  It can be a long, tough road, particularly for fibro.  As horrible as it is, having the lupus may actually make your case easier.  But if you succeed, you and your daughter will get a monthly check.

[Rattiemama]

I'm with the others. He is stealing from his own daughter and I think it's despicable. If he doesn't have any medical conditions preventing him from working, I don't see why he can't find some kind of job to earn any money. I mean anything is better than nothing. I think giving him until Tuesday to do the right thing, and letting him know what will happen if he doesn't is a very generous course of action. I know you do not want to damage the good will you have finally built for your daughter, but how much good will does he really have if he is stealing from his own child?

Good luck and I hope everything works out in your favor!

[~Stacey~]

Call the IRS (1-800-829-1040 <-- this number is super busy due to stimulus questions) or I would also recommend finding a local office near you *LINKY* to see exactly where you stand. They can help file any needed paperwork!! No charge either.

I know in similar situations where one parent claimed the child and didn't tell the other parent. The parent that was supposed to claim the child normally would get a rejected e-file return. He or she would then have to file a paper return with the child's info on it, that paper return would cause an audit on both parties that claimed the child. The person that could legally claim the child would get the credit and the person that received credit for the child illegally would have to pay back that money to the IRS.

[OldsGal]

I just want to say congrats on the $251....My MIL was only awared $70 a month for her son and when she file for a review a few years back they threatened to decrease it rather than increase it.  She is deceased now and her son is 18.  My husband and I have guardianship over him now and his father is still paying the $70 a month but how in the hell do you raise a teenage boy on $70 a month. 

Ok I digress and am hyjacking....

I agree with what everyone else has said thus far.

Staci

[strangeduck]

Holy cow!! $71 a month?  That is so wrong.  My sister, the deadbeat who dumped her kid with her ex and took off to Canada complains to me regularly about the $125 a month she pays for her daughter, and I just laugh in her face.  If you don't take care of your kid with your time and love and energy, then you darn well better do it with your wallet.  I can't believe they only make him pay 71 dollars, I guess I should stop complaining about the 251 I get.  Though the minimum in the state of California is 189, so maybe you just need to move here!!!!


Thanks everyone for your replies.  I'm feeling so bad about doing this, but he really isn't leaving me any choice.  Oh and he just got a job and started today.  So now he's back to making alot more money than my girlfriend, and since he and his wife both have full time jobs and he has no other dependants, I've decided to do what my family has been urging me to do for months and have the child support recalculated because when it was calculated before, I was actually making more money than he was, by a quarter an hour...but still.

Oh, and he doesn't own his house, his parents do, so they're the ones who paid for the materials for the patio that just got put in.  He also doesn't have to pay rent, just the property taxes and the utilities.  Which is less than I pay.  And he still complains that he's broke all the time, and that's why he can't ever buy her shoes, or clothes or help pay for sports or birthday parties...ugh, he frustrates me to no end.  And yet, I still feel guilty asking for more money and for making the decision to have my girlfriend go ahead and file taxes.  Some times I look at him and think..."what the heck was I thinking?"

[Dearpie]

I've never understood how any parent can begrudge their children and treat them like that!!  If HE had your daughter full time, do you think he'd even stop to consider you if the role was reversed?  No.  You bet you need to file and take him back to court!!

[andrea1970]

Child support is going to vary widely based on the parents income.  In AZ, it is calculated in 2 steps.  The first is to determine the total support required for the child(ren) -- that is basically a formula that comes up a dollar value for how much the parents together should be contributing to the care of the children which is based on their total income. Costs for insurance and childcare are added into the total support required. The 2nd part is to figure out the proportion of that amount each parent should pay based on their income They basically look at the total income of the 2 parents and figure out the percentage that each parent earns.  If mom earns $20k and dad earns $30k, they figure mom is responsible for 40% of the support and dad is responsible for 60% of the support. And then they adjust for parenting time and things like health insurance payments.  If the custodial parent earns more, or the non-custodial parents pays a lot for health insurance, or their combined income is pretty low, then the child support payments could be quite low.

And yeah- definitely look into getting it recalculated.  Because he certainly makes WAY more now than you since you no longer work.  If he has any income, it's more than what you now make.

Depending on how modern your county is, you may be able to find a form online that allows you to calculate what your child support payments would be.  I don't know about other places, but the one our county has online allows you to enter all the information, accounts for provision of health insurance, adjustments for parenting time, etc.  It might be worthwhile to walk through the calculations first and see if it will be worth going to court for an adjustment.  And if you take it to court, you can ask the judge to consider things like the fact he doesn't have to pay for housing.  Many states have a "reserve" amount for the non-custodial parent that is basically what they consider the bare minimum of their income that they need to survive -- a bare minimum needed for food and housing.  Most states it is a fairly trivial amount -- in AZ it is $775/month.

The whole "who is entitled to claim her" thing is very ugly.  Even if your ex waives his claim for the exemption, your girlfriend wouldn't be able to claim her as a qualifying child (I don't think), but possibly as a qualifying relative.  As far as I understand, the parent's partner can not claim a child as a qualifying relative, regardless of support. The tax benefits as a qualifying relative are not as robust as for a qualifying child (no head of household or child tax credit).  Again, you really need to do ALL the math to figure out how much he saves by claiming her (and what your half of that would be) versus how much your girlfriend would save by claiming her.  It may be worth a consultation with an expert before going to war over it.

[trubandloki]

In my state (NY) child support is calculated strictly on a percentage of the non custodial parent's income.  I know it is 19% of pre tax income for one child and 29% for three, not sure what 2 was.

If the non custodial parent suddenly has a far less paying job than they did before the child support hearing the child support is calculated based on what the courts feel the parent could be earning. 


To the OP, I hope things turn out well for you on this one.  It so seems like such a loose loose situation, which totally sucks.

[RatAttack59]

PA calculates child support by determining the income of each parent, minus taxes and insurance.  Based on the combined total, they set a figure that represents the amount that is spent on basic support (food, housing, clothing) and the non custodial pays the same percentage of that as the percentage of income they contribute to the total.  THEN the non-custodial parent is obligated to HALF the medical and child care costs.
 
The IRS, on the other hand, allows the custodial parent to claim the deduction, period, the end, regardless of $ contributions.  I usually let my ex have one of the girls as a deduction each year, except this year when I got hit with capital gains on some tuition investments (my oldest just finished her freshman year at U. Conn).

You ex is being a greedy son of a youknowwhat.  I would file the ammendment.