A friend pregnancy.

[Rat girl]

My best friend is in a huge mess.  And instead of feeling supportive, i'm feeling angry, and extremely disappointed in her.  I almost feel like i never knew her at all.  I'm having all kinds of crazy thoughts.

We'll call her May for this story.

May is 21 years old.  Live with her parents. She doesn't have a "real" job.  She works in her grandmothers "restaurant" which is really an old old old house where her grandma serves food for donations because she cannot get licensed by the state because of the horrible condition of this building.  Basically, she serves food/pie and coffee and accepts donations to go towards restoring the building.  May works there a few hours a week.  She worked for three months at Walmart and couldn't handle it.  Granted, i've worked there too.  And hated it.  But i did it.  And when i quit, i got a better job.  She didn't.  She got an "easier" job, where she sits around and does nothing all day and gets paid for it.

May drives a 98 Cavalier that is falling apart at the seems.  She lives with her parents, and complains of never having money.  But she's always wearing new clothes.  May gets upset when i mention that she should try going to school.  She's not working, she does nothing all day, why not use this chance to get some education in?  But no, apparently May is comfortable with where she is at.

May is currently seeing a guy we'll call Jack.  Jack is 27 and not a US citizen yet.  Jack seems nice, but she's only been seeing him for about a month.   May was dating a guy named Chris for about 4 years off and on.  Chris was mean, and abusive to her, and i thought their relationship was finally finished.

Apparently not.  A few days ago i got a phone call from May telling me that she is pregnant.  And doesn't know if its Chris or Jacks child.  I got upset because how could she be dumb enough to even SPEAK to Chris after everything that happened?  While seeing Jack?  Grrr.

She acts so nonchalant about it.  And goes on to tell me how Jack says he loves her and will be there for her no matter what happens, or who the kid actually belongs to.  She was OPEN with me about the fact that he handed her $900 the day she told him and told her to put it away, and also told her that he would get her a new car as soon as possible because he wants her to be safe.   So now i know where her new clothes are coming from and how she is "making it" and able to run around and party when she's not working.  Oh, wait, i forgot about Joe, who she dated briefly between Chris and Jack.  She STILL hangs out with Joe, and he gives her money because he wants to see her bills getting paid.  This i've known for awhile now.  Jack gets mad because she still sees Joe, and she says they are just friends.  I would be mad too.  What kind of person does this?  Uses people for money so she can sit around and milk the world?  I am so angry, and upset, and just... dumbfounded because this is supposed to be my best friend.  How do i have a best friend like this?

She still doesn't know exactly how far along she is so has no idea who the father to the baby is.  She ended our last conversation with "I've got three different guys telling me they love me and want to be there for the baby, how crazy is that?" 

How do you deal with something like this when you are supposed to be the supportive best friend? I mean seriously, i can barely speak to her.  I want to go off on her.  I am so mad.  She does not need a child.  What is she going to do with one?  And to top it all off she has no intentions of changing her life.  I just want to crawl in a hole, the world is coming to an end i swear.

I look at it this way.  I've been with the same man for 5 years.  I have not gotten pregnant because i have not wanted to.  Its not hard to prevent it.  If i was sleeping around with two different men you better bet i'd be preventing this from happening.  If i got pregnant tomorrow, i would be super upset and freaking out.  We own a house, thinking about getting married soon, we struggle with money sometimes but thats the life we chose.  We chose to be young and get our life set soon.  We could be renting and apt and driving crappy cars and saving up our money, instead we wanted to try to get our life set now.  I can't help but compare my situation to hers and wonder... where is her brain?  I would be losing MY mind, and i am in a far better situation that her.  I just recently got off the BC pills because they were taking a huge chunk out of our budget.  And i take them mainly for medical reasons.  If i got pregnant tomorrow, we'd be okay.  I don't want to, so we are taking other measures.  But if i was running around with tons of guys and what not, i'd still be on the pill.  You know?

  

[strangeduck]

Oi...your friend sounds like a complete mess and you are right to be angry with her irresponsible behavior (though I should point out that my daughter is living proof that birth control is not 100%, so am I for that matter).  And bringing a child into the craziness?  Ugh, just because your reproductive organs work, doesn't mean you should use them.  (Sorry, this subject is a sore one for me after watching my sister-in-law and my cousin struggle with infertility.)

My biological sister, who is older than your friend, but basically the same person has had two children, one she gave up for adoption, and one she abandoned with it's father.  A few years ago she got pregnant and wanted me to be happy for her and throw her a baby shower.  I feel bad saying this, but thankfully she miscarried a few months in.  There was no way she would be a good mom (good moms don't move to another country and not see their adolescent children for two years) and the father had already bailed.

Honestly?  I'd reconsider being her "best friend."  You clearly have different values and priorites and since you cant and won't support her in this mess, it's better to distance yourself.  You don't want to end up getting dragged into the drama.

[Rat girl]

Apparently i am so upset between the speeding ticket and this mess that i can't spell/think straight.  And i don't feel like fixing the post lol.

Yeah, thats what is tearing me up.  I can't "be there for her" when she's acting like its no big deal.  Now, if she was saying "I messed up, i don't know what to do, i'm going to ruin my life".  It would be way easier for me.

Edit to add: She's NEVER been on BC pills.  And the whole time she was with Chris, and he was running off on her, i was always worried because she was open about the fact that he didn't use any "real" protection.  Just the handy old pull out method (not PG enough? don't know how else to say it...)... and i was more worried for her then because of STD's.  She's one of those "it'll never happen to me" people.  She'd say "We've been together so long, and i'm not pregnant yet, so apparently we're doing something right"

   She's just... invincible, i guess.  So she thinks.  And this unexpected (I've entertained the idea that she did it on purpose, but didn't let that go far) pregnancy hasn't seemed to prove to her she isn't, yet.

[JR1030]

It's interesting how we seem to think that it's perfectly fine to break up with a man when a relationship goes bad, but with women we're supposed to be best friends forever.  People change.  People turn out to be someone different than you thought.  It's ok to end a relationship when you're too different, and you just can't understand each other.  We're here for ya'.

[strangeduck]

It's interesting how we seem to think that it's perfectly fine to break up with a man when a relationship goes bad, but with women we're supposed to be best friends forever.  People change.  People turn out to be someone different than you thought.  It's ok to end a relationship when you're too different, and you just can't understand each other.  We're here for ya'.

You are a much smarter woman than I, JR1030.  I recently (after years of prodding by my best friend and girlfriend) let die a friendship I'd been giving CPR to since high school.  One of those friends who, no matter what you do, makes you feel like crap about yourself. I still have to restrain myself from contacting her on messenger every time I see her online.  I haven't deleted her from my Myspace and Friendster because it isnt as though I hate her, I just can't let her be a big part of my life anymore.

I think, rat girl, that this is what's sort of required here.  You can't help her, you get nothing from the friendship, all you're really doing is watching her chaos.  As somebody more eloquent than I once said, when you hear a car wreck coming, sometimes all you can do is step out of the way.

[JR1030]

  As somebody more eloquent than I once said, when you hear a car wreck coming, sometimes all you can do is step out of the way.

Amen to that! 

[Eileen]

I recently (after years of prodding by my best friend and girlfriend) let die a friendship I'd been giving CPR to since high school.  One of those friends who, no matter what you do, makes you feel like crap about yourself.

Amen to this too! I ended a high school friendship a few years back. Someone who constantly made me feel terrible about myself. When I finally hit 30, I had enough, and ended it. I feel so much better about myself now.

People change, values change. It's true; why do we feel we have to hang onto female relationships that are toxic, but it's OK to get rid of the male ones?
We're here for you; we know it's hard, and it will take a while. And don't feel bad about being angry, you have every right to be.

[Krystal]

I, too, had to let go of a friendship a couple years ago.

She was a great friend, we had a blast together!  Even traveled cross country!

But then, suddenly she started changing.  She got more religious--she had always been catholic, but suddenly she was getting more "preachy" with me.  Then she got.....just.......different.  She just wasn't as FUN anymore.  She tried to control me, she wanted to interfere with me seeing my boyfriend (now husband).  It got to the point where I no longer looked forward to our time together, and that's when a co-worker of mine asked why I was friends with her then?!

Sometimes, you just have to let go.  It'll feel like a weight off your back!

[MsMagpie]

I've lost two friends over similar issues. One dropped out of college, and a few months later was pregnant while living on her mom's couch and her boyfriend working part time at Burger King. She miscarried and astoundingly decided to try and get pregnant again. I just couldn't be part of her destroying her own life and that of a child.

The second was a friend who was dating a married (supposedly getting divorced) woman and she accidentally got pregnant. He has no steady job, and until then lived with his mom. He was planning to move out of town and go back to school, but when this came up he got a crappy job in town and moved in with her. Honestly, I'm still waiting for her to say the kid belongs to her husband and go back to him.

I find it really disgusting how non-chalant people can be about getting pregnant and having kids. Of course those people almost invariably refuse to have abortions because life is precious. Oh the irony.

[Phalaeo]

Unfortunately, there's nothing you can really do in this situation.  She's not going to change until it's too late.  IMO, you're better off preserving your sanity by staying away until she gets her head together.

[andrea1970]

I have a pretty good idea who's going to be supporting Miss May and her offspring.....

I always find it amazing how certain people that by all objective measures would qualify as losers somehow seem to have a whole gaggle of guys/girls willing to be part of their loser-ness.  I'm not talking about sophisticated con artists or anything.  While some very nice, very decent, good looking, productive members of society can't seem to find even 1 date for months on end.

You and she have obviously moved in different directions and have different values.  You may need to change your perspective on your relationship from that of friends to simply being a peripheral part of her life.