Oy...I'm getting old.

I was not that long ago in your very position.  Eleven very short years, in fact.  My mom would pick up the phone and listen to my conversation and do all kinds of things and I would get soo mad.  And now?

When I talk to younger friends and my biological sister who lives with my biomom, and they complain about their parents?  I try to be sympathetic, but I'm thinking...ummm...deal with it.  It's your parent's house and they make the rules.

It's harsh, but true.  And worse?  Your mom doesn't think you're nearly as grown up as you think you are.  You mention holding down two jobs to pay for your animals...but you it doesn't sound like you pay rent or utilities.  Maybe I'm wrong, but that's what it sounds like.  And when someone is letting you live in their home, for free, you follow their rules.

It's hard for parents to let go.  And you won't get it until you're a mom yourself and you watch your children taking their steps to independance.  By still living at home and all that it makes it harder to make the case that you're a grown up.  Your mom loves you, but she doesn't respect you as a grown up, and she won't until she isn't taking care of you.

And yes, it's hard making your own way when you go to college and school is your main priority.  As it should be.  And most parents don't have the resources to foot the bill for school and on campus/off campus housing.  Sucks...but that's the way it is.  You need to live at home so you can get your education and make a good life for yourself.  But in order to do that, you pay the cost.  You give up your freedom today for your independance in the future.

And the lock on the door?  Bad, bad idea.  That's just going to piss her off, and you don't have the right to do it.  If it was my house and you were my kid, you'd lose your door...I wouldn't care how old you are.

Think long and hard on what is unliveable and what is simply annoying.  Then make a date with your mom.  Be calm, be reasonable and ask for compromise.  If your mom can't live with the mess...keep it clean.  Ask her to please respect your privacy and in return you'll keep things picked up to her standards.

Am I the only adult here who thinks your mom needs counseling? Can you get the stuff back or did the garbage get taken already? I remember using old class notes from one class to help me in another. I'm done with school and I still have my college notebooks. I still use them as reference tools. If your mom feels the need to go through your stuff, either you are really animal-hoarder-house messy, or she has some sort of ocd control freak type problem. I'd move out if I were in your situation. Well, after of course I handcuffed my mom to drag her into the mental hospital. Honestly, going through an adult child's room isn't just being a mom, its a sign she has some issues mentally.

How messy was the room?  If it was pretty messy, I'm inclined towards your mother's side.  She had a right to clean your room if you weren't doing it.  She shouldn't have thrown away important notes, however.  Maybe you could keep them sorted somehow where they aren't laying about?  (inside a vinyl box, or have notebooks specifically for note taking with tabs for each subject.)

I would need to see your room before I made a decision on this one.  If you don't pay any bills or rent, she has the right to demand that your room be kept as clean as the rest of the house.  After looking at a really messy room for too long of time, she may have lost her patience with it.  Especially if she repeatedly asked you to clean it.

However, I don't feel she has a right to throw out or go through personal items.  Personally, I would take everything I found messy and pilled up and put it in several boxes or laundry baskets and tell you that you had a certain amount of time to clean it up or I take over.

My 24 year old daughter is living with me this summer before she heads off to law school in Chicago.  She has lived on her own since she was 19 and I realize she has too much junk to fit in her old room.  Her room is more messy than I prefer, but I know she'll be gone in 2 weeks and it will get picked up.  She leaves the bedroom door shut at all times and I can live with it.  I'd never mess with her personal things or school work, but if she lived here longer, I'd want the room cleaned up better than it is.

A lock on the door is an extremely bad idea.  Unless you're making half the house and utility payments, you don't have the right.  I would also be a parent who would completely remove the door if you did.

If you cannot move into your own place, I would do 3 things:

1 - Invest in a trunk with a lock for personal things that you want to keep private


2 - Invest in a filing cabinet with a lock for school work/notes that you want to keep

3 - Keep the room clean/organized to keep Mom from "helping"

 I am not a messy person, i clean my room every week and hate having a mess. It was clean when i left and all the animals just needed their needs met for me.

I had a mom like that.    Even if my room was organized and clean, she'd come down and mess with things.  I moved out at 18, which was partially a bad decision because I had to start working and couldn't afford school and supporting myself.

I think you should probably have a talk with her, and see if she's not willing to work with you a bit.  Would you be willing to pay her a little bit of 'rent' on the condition that she stays out of your room?  Not a lot, but maybe if you did something like that (or even just offered) she'd be willing to back down a bit on 'helping' you organize your things.   Putting a lock on the door will probably just anger her, so the best thing would probably be to just talk it out with her.

I tried putting a lock on my door.  My mom took the door off the hinges.  Of course, I was like 16/17ish, but I was really tired of her nosing through my things when I didn't even have anything to hide anyway.  

 i can see if i was messy like my 24 year old sister than okay, go through my room.  Yes i am 20 years old, i work just about full time and care for 16 of my own rats along with 4 fosters, 1 mouse, 3 gerbils, 1 rabbit and my  fish tank. All of their vet care i pay for including several surgery's. If i did not have as many animals and i was more stable i would be moving out. My brother moved out  when he was 22 which is my goal.  The reason why i have so many rats right now is because i made the decison to start  2 young groups ( one male/ one female) all my adult rats are over a year old. When shadow passed away and Apollo suddenly died having the younger rats around seemed to make things a little easier to handle. I do not plan on having more than 7 rats every again.

 I think i have a right to be able to leave for a week without having  to worry about my mom going through my room. I know she is my mom and i ahve talk to her about this before because she does it to my sister as well. My room is the cleanest room in the house.

I feel the need to point out here that parents have this affect on their kids! I've lived on my own for 9 years, I own my own home, have an 8 year old son that I'm raising, have a husband, and my mother STILL gives me flak about my dishes not being done, or my laundry not being folded every. single. chance. she gets. It doesn't matter how spotless my house is, it doesn't matter if I just brought the laundry up from the dryer and haven't had a chance to even put it down, nevermind fold it, if she's at the door, she'll find something wrong and nag at me. I could lose it every time.

And I KNOW how absurd I sound when I vent about it to my husband. Would I put up with that from anybody else on the planet? Absolutely not. Nor would I lose my cool. I'd be able to clearly, and firmly, get my point across, and that would be that. But when it's my mother, there's just something about it!

I'm inclined to agree that while you're living in her house, you don't have much of a choice but to deal with her nuances. Definately talk to her, but like I said, my mother tries to do the same things, and I haven't lived with her in nearly a decade. Good luck!

yes, yes . yes and i do buy my own food.
 I grew up weird and would clean the whole house for my mom and make dinner before she got home. I love to clean,  very relaxing to me and i would spend the whole day cleaning and i didn't do it for money. I do take full care of myself and just happen to sleep at the house. I do my own laundry, i  don't normally eat at home but i do buy my own food, pay my own bills and work hard.

sorry for being upset at the fact that i can trust my mom not to go through my personal files and throw away letters from people who adopted rats from me.

 

If my mother had ever done something like that (going through my personal things, especially letters), she'd be missing a daughter.   I don't care what my age would be at the time.  Better off just kicking me out than going through personal items.  That's something I could never forgive.  Never.