my bf hates rats!

[magenta]

thanks everyone for your help
you had some really good info! i had a really good talk to him and he said that its not out of the question when we get our own place.
his dad said no for getting one right now. but fair enough its his house!
he says it in a way that hes not saying that i cant but that he would absolutely hate it and that it would affect his everyday life. it just annoys me that he says it in this way so it is my decision but i know that hes totally totally against.... its the guilt thing.... if i get the rats and i know he doesnt want them... every time im handling and playing with them he will say im spending the time with them and not him.... and that i am choosing them over him to spend time with.
*sigh*
he has lived with rats in a flat before.... the guy had 3 rats and he hated them then.... and he says they stunk the whole house out, but ive been there and they dont at all.... its every excuse for me not to get them.

[RatStalker]

You definitely need to get rid of this guy, Magenta.  Anyone THAT manipulative isn't healthy.  And, what if you guys had kids down the road?  Kids require lots of care, ESPECIALLY during the first 3 years of life.  Men who cannot handle pets getting lots of attention cannot handle CHILDREN getting lots of attention either.

Having seen MUCH dysfunction in my own friends and family (I'm not kidding, I've seen it all), I can tell you this with all confidence: the longer you're with this guy, the higher your misery level is going to get.

Cut your losses now and get out while you still can.

[gabrielle1976]

 
Just think about it this way do you want to be in a relationship that keeps you from doing and haveing things that make you happy? Even if you realy love youre boyfriend would you still love him a year from now when you have to get his aproval to do things that make you happy?
maybe you can show him that rats are really cool but if you cant why be with someone that wont let you do what you want/

[RatStalker]

Well, the thing is, just because we LOVE someone, and I mean really TRULY love that person, does NOT mean that person is the "right one" for us.  Sometimes walking away is the hardest, most painful thing to do, but it can also be the healthiest.  It's about preserving the self.

The big comment that's banging on my head here is the part where he said he'd absolutely hate it and it would affect his every day life.

This is one heck of a selfish person!  He's only worried about how having a rat in "his" home will affect "his" life.   Earlier in this thread I said that I felt he would come around, but now I don't think so.

This guy has major issues.  He sounds like a child!  Magenta should get rid of him and let him grow up on his own so she can find a nice guy so she and Mr. New Awesome Guy can be happy TOGETHER!

[Suebee]

he says it in a way that hes not saying that i cant but that he would absolutely hate it and that it would affect his everyday life. it just annoys me that he says it in this way so it is my decision but i know that hes totally totally against.... its the guilt thing.... if i get the rats and i know he doesnt want them... every time im handling and playing with them he will say im spending the time with them and not him.... and that i am choosing them over him to spend time with.

That is NOT a way to treat someone you love... guilting you into doing things his way is completely manipulative. Not a good basis for a relationship.

It also sounds like perhaps his last rat experience was not a good one, and I would wager it was because maybe his roommate did not take care of cage cleaning very well.

[RoseMarie]

Get a new boyfriend.  You are not a child and there is no reason you can't have the pet you want as long as you are the one taking care of it.  If you are a child you shouldn't be moving in with your boyfriend.  That is just silly that he would tell you that you can't have something.  Would you tell him that he couldn't have something?  He sounds like bad news.  Good luck to you.

[kmw]

You are not a child and there is no reason you can't have the pet you want as long as you are the one taking care of it.  

I just wanted to amend that a bit:  If there is no valid reason you can't have the pet you want.  "Because I don't want you to" is not a valid reason.  "Because I have severe allergies" is.    

Relationships are about compromise.  Drew likes guns.  I abhore them.  He has guns in the house, but I told him I wouldn't be comfortable unless they were locked in a steel gun cabinet, with the ammunition stored elsewhere, and "our" money not go to purchasing them.  And that's how I live with it.  He's not keen on me having rats.  I take care of them (ok, he does play with them, but not all the time) and "our" money doesn't go to caring for them.  We talked about numbers, and decided that 4 or 5 is a good number for an upper limit.  If you can't talk about what's bothering you and stumbling blocks in your relationship, you don't have anything.  

[Suebee]

If you can't talk about what's bothering you and stumbling blocks in your relationship, you don't have anything.  

I think that's the key here.

[Melanie]

Be careful with this guy.  If you always have to ask to have something or have his approval, you will not be happy long term.  There are plenty of guys out there who are understanding and let us gals do what we want!  

Love is not worth giving up your passions and don't think for a minute that he would give his passions up for you!  I speak from experience.  Declare to yourself that you are an independent thinking women who does not let men dictate her life.    

Good Luck!  

[Ali]

its the guilt thing.... if i get the rats and i know he doesnt want them... every time im handling and playing with them he will say im spending the time with them and not him.... and that i am choosing them over him to spend time with.

I've already posted, but have been keeping up with the thread. I think you need to be careful here. Jealousy over you spending time with your rats instead of him could easily turn into jealousy over you spending time with your friends instead of him and so on.

Simon works shifts and is often working nights a couple of times a week. We have his son 2 or 3 times a week. I try and catch up with friends every week or two. I spend a lot of time playing with and looking after my rats.

We love each other very much - but can't and don't spend every minute alone or live in each others pockets. The time we do get alone is precious. We're not a perfect couple by any stretch of the imagination. When you get into a serious relationship you tend to feel at first that you have to agree on everything, or it's not 'love'. But loving someone, IMO, is letting them do as they wish and be themselves.  You don't become 'one', you are two people who choose to share your lives, and sometimes that means 'putting up' with something you don't like.

I don't think you should rush and ditch your boyfriend, but I do think it's worth discussing this issue thoroughly - it might seem trivial, but it could be setting a precedent for anything you want to do in the future.

[Meghan]

I think the advice here is generally good.  My only thought was that perhaps he is a dog person, and pictures himself takingg a dog for walks and throwing balls.  If you're going to live with someone, you both have to compromise, ans it may be that he has a passion for another animal.  But he sounds a bit on the controlling side to me, and you will need to have a talk about that.

[Rose]

Top ten reasons why rats are better than boyfriends

1.  They can't belch.
2. A big hairy pot belly just makes them look cuter and cuddlier.
3. No arguing about who gets to drive.
4. Tickly scratchy whiskers are a GOOD thing.
5. They're not fussy about which kind of restaurants you go to.  They are enthusiastic about all cuisines.
6. Hopping around stark naked like a kangaroo with its tail in the air to attract girls isn't going to lead to an arrest.
7. They don't object to being locked in their cage and hidden in the closet when your parents come over.
8. Good grooming is always taken seriously.
9. Behavior modification is as simple and cheap as a box of yogurt drops.
10. And the top reason why rats are better than boyfriends...

              They'll NEVER tell you not to get another rat!

[Ali]

Rose, I just LOVE that, LOL !! Definitely something which is going to get printed out and stuck on the cage! (and the front door, and the fridge, and the computer.....!)  

[Rose]

Yeah, some of them are mean, but..........true!

The challenge was to winnow it down to just ten!

[Yresim]

thanks everyone for your help
you had some really good info! i had a really good talk to him and he said that its not out of the question when we get our own place.
his dad said no for getting one right now. but fair enough its his house!
he says it in a way that hes not saying that i cant but that he would absolutely hate it and that it would affect his everyday life. it just annoys me that he says it in this way so it is my decision but i know that hes totally totally against.... its the guilt thing.... if i get the rats and i know he doesnt want them... every time im handling and playing with them he will say im spending the time with them and not him.... and that i am choosing them over him to spend time with.
*sigh*
he has lived with rats in a flat before.... the guy had 3 rats and he hated them then.... and he says they stunk the whole house out, but ive been there and they dont at all.... its every excuse for me not to get them.

A lot of men feel that they have to dominate the (woman in their) relationship.  If they cannot do it directly, they will try to do it indirectly (guilt trips, excuses, etc.  

I think you really need to re-evaluate your relationship.  If he is a dominating male and you are being forced or tricked into doing whatever he wants, then it is not a real relationship.  It seems to me like it is about far more than the rats.  

If you evaluate it and decide its just the rats, then that is one thing.  But if you find that it is more than that, you should get out of it while you still can.  Do not let yourself get sucked into that vicious world, because once you are in deep, it becomes much harder to get out.