This morning I got up and went to another day of training, not so bad to start off with.  It took twice as long to get home (an hour instead of 30 minutes), so I was late for the vets.  I got there, filled out the paperwork, and about 20 minutes later saw the nurse.  She asked me why Abbie was there, how long different things had been going on, etc...

Well, she had the tumor for about a month now, lost weight starting last week, started losing her appetite, and last night started having trouble breathing.  Like an asthma attack kinda, just almost non-stop.

So, another 10 minute goes by, and the vet comes in.  She was really nice, went over the history with me again, and asked me what I wanted to do.  Basically, I could put her down right away, or I could have her checked over and see what the options were from there.  So, of course I chose to have her examined.  Her heart looked fine, her kidneys were fine, and her abdomen was fine, although she was moderatly underweight.  And of course had the tumor...

But, her lungs were horrible.  So, she stopepd again, and asked what I wanted to do.  I could have her put down, or have xrays done of her lungs.  She explained that it was almost 100% sure to be a mammary tumor (already was sure of that though), and from every indication it had spread to her lungs.  I asked her what would happen if I got the xrays and the tumor was in her lungs, adn she said they could remove the tumor, and give her meds, but it may not work.  Basically, she said that keeping her alive would be prolonging her suffering.  She gave me time to think it over, and I chose to do what was right for her, not what I wanted.

I just feel like a total jerk though.  If I'd gone in sooner and got the tumor removed when it was smaller, she'd still be alive and kicking.  If I'd had her spayed, she'd still be alive.  She wouldn't have gotten sick if I'd have had the money to care for her like she needed and deserved.  It wasn't fair of me to do that to her.  :(  I just feel like such a horrible mom, and not deserving of any of the animals I have.  If I couldn't care right for Abbie, who was my favorite rat in the whole wide world, how am I supposed to care for the other girls, and the 2 boys I just got??

I'm going to try and find a company that will engrave her name and a linedrawing of a rat onto a stone for me, which is going to go under one of Mom's trees she's getting.  She'll be buried in the root bed of the tree, kinda to give a living tribute to her I guess.  I just wish I could go back and have not spent money on other things I needed and have taken her in earlier.  :(

I'm so sorry.

   So sorry to hear about Abbie...you did the right thing, though. I'm sure it was hard, but it was the best thing for her. And I'm sure you'll do just fine with your other rats. You'll give them the love and care they need, and that's all anyone (including them) would require of you.

I'm so sorry...At least she's not suffering anymore.

I am so sorry for you both. You are not a bad rat mom,from the dates I see she was over 3, thats a good life span for a rat.
You did the right thing by letting her go quickly ,without anymore pain.
Your little ratties you still have will take all the love you give them and return it to you.just love them and know that we all learn by living.
Take care,

awww    *big warm rattie hugs*

You did what you could... please don't blame yourself!!  She was over 3 years old and had a very warm, loving life.  You will be the best mom you can be to your new babies as you've learned so much from your experiences and will apply your knowledge and share your love with them.  They can't ask for more than that!!!

Oh, Grace, I'm so sorry!  I had been thinking about the both of you and wondering how she was doing.

I guess guilt is a natural thing, but you have done nothing wrong.  Please don't beat yourself up over what might have been.  Abbie was a very old rat!  It sounds like she had a good life.

Yes, you could have had her spayed, you could have had the tumor removed, but that wouldn't have guaranteed anything.  She could have died from something else, or the tumor could have returned.  Rat surgery is expensive, and while we love our rats very much it's not always possible to be spending that kind of money on vets bills, and surgery is not always a success.

The most important thing is that you gave her a good life, from everything I've read on this board, I believe you are a good person and that you love your rats very much.

We lost our girl Abby several months ago now and it was heartbreaking.  I felt guilty for not doing more, but life is an uncertain thing for us all and you have been a great human to your Abbie.  

You put aside your feelings at the end and did what was best for her.  Now her suffering is over, you were very brave that is a horrible decision to have to make.

Please know that we are all thinking of you and sharing a little bit of your pain

Oh, Grace I am so sorry.  Please don't feel like you didn't do the best for her.  First of all, where would you have gotten her spayed?  Certainly wouldn't be in Maine...I am having trouble getting Badger neutered and that is a much simpler procedure.  Secondly, would you really have decided to have a tumor removed on a three year old rat? Even if she was in otherwise good health, that may have not been an option at her age anyhow. I know many people opt not to do that even in two year old rats.  I had a female rat that was even younger and I did not opt for surgery, know the chance of it recurring were high, plus again, the problem finding a  vet willing and qualified to do the work for a resonable fee, and the fear of her dying during surgery and the stress involved vs. letting her live as long as comfortable with the tumor.. Well thats a rather large run-on sentence.

Anyhow, I think you made the right decisions for Abbie, and I know she was loved and valued and happy with you. I hope you are feeling a bit better today and the other ratties give you comfort.  PM me if there is anything I can do...

 
I am so sorry..Grace I was thinking about your post before I replied as I wanted to say the right thing.
At the end of her life you gave Abbie the most important thing...a way out of pain.To put your own wishes to prolong her life to one side and to do what was best for her takes courage and sacrifice..how could you possibly be a bad person for that.
In time you will remember her life not her death.

Aww, Sweetie, I'm so, so sorry for your loss and pain! Please know that you're in our thoughts, and like the others have told you, don't beat yourself up over this. I think that every single one of us has had at least one occasion wherein we've felt we should have done things differently. I've had more than one, but I know now that it isn't fair to ourselves to second-guess what we did or didn't do. We are all people who adore our critters and give them the best homes, lives, and families. When I think of what could have happened with the ratties I've lost if I hadn't taken them into my home... well, let's be fair to ourselves: We do the best we can and certainly go above and beyond what a lot of people would do!

No "parent" is perfect... we're all human. And we live and learn. I'll always feel a tugging in my heart over the circumstances of the first few ratties I lost (and even the ones since, to some extent), but I think that it's important to factor into our feelings the fact that it just simply hurts to lose them. We don't want them to ever leave us, and so it's far too easy to blame ourselves when they do pass and to look for reasons why it happened and things we feel we should have done differently. The dreaded "if only's" can wear you down unfairly if you let them!

You take care, know that we are here for you, and go easy on yourself, Honey! I know how much it hurts to lose a ratty, particularly a special favorite... but give yourself time, and remember that she's not suffering anymore. In time, you will have less pain and more warmth and love in your heart from the happy memories you have of her.

Love and hugs,
Jodi

Awww, don't be so hard on yourself Grace. Hindsight is 20/20,and everything seems obvious in retrospect.

You did the best you knew how at the time, and gave little Abbie a great life.  So don't waste energy on guilt, which is the most useless of emotions!

Very sorry for your loss!
Rattie hugs from me and the Gang (Daisy, Ashley Peebody and Ms. Muffet)

Grace,
Just a thought about about your memorial.  I don't know but I would think it would be pretty expensive to get a stone engraved.

I have a couple of ideas, - do you have access to a program like Photoshop?  If you do you could run one of the filters on a photo that you like of Abbie, something that would simplify the picture.  Then maybe you could make a stencil and etch the picture onto a piece of glass, or paint the picture onto a stone.  There are lots of nice glass things about these days that don't cost too much.  My hubby found a nice glass block jar and filled it with sand and shells for me, I'm thinking something like that might work for you.

It would be unique and special because you made it  (I know - you are really busy at the moment  )

Good luck with whatever you do, I think the idea of laying her under a tree is very nice.

I am sitting here with the tears streaming - I am so sorry for what you had to do today - the most difficult decision to ever make but you did the right thing 100%

You were so so lucky to have the beautiful Abbie for such a long time!

You'll never know if things may have been different or not so there is no point dwelling on it.  You may have operated on her and lost her under the anasthetic - you just will never know.  You must be a wonderful mother to have kept her until that age, as it is so clear that good care CAN prolong a rats life, although sometimes the best cared for ratties are called to the bridge before what we consider to be their time.

Abbie was obviously needed at the Bridge, and you let her go.  A gesture that is only given by someone who loves very much.

Big hugs to you and the rest of your crew.

Aileen
and Lilith and Phoebe Ratson

I am so sorry about Abbie.  Please, please, please don't be so hard on yourself.
Our Jennie was over two and developed a mammary tumor.  She seemed in the best of health so we went ahead and had the tumor removed. There followed two weeks of absolute hell as she completely removed her stitches, had to be anesthesized again, stapled, and had an Elizabethen collar on.  She was miserable for over 10 days with that thing on.  About six weeks after she healed, she went into a steep decline and couldn't  move anymore so we sent her to the Bridge.  I will always deeply regret putting her through that surgery, wasting precious weeks when she could have been happy.  
Money isn't everything.......we are fortunate enough to have the resources to pay for any care the vet recommends,  but it's always a crapshoot with rats, especially older ones.  Your Abbie lived over THREE YEARS.  With all the medical care our ratties have had, no one has lived over 2-1/2, and there are a couple of situations that, looking back, just prolonged our rattie's misery.  
Please, please don't diss yourself.  She had a wonderful life and was obviously deeply loved, and I bet she knows it and is waiting for you at the Bridge.