Author Topic: Madame Astrocat's Horoscope for Fabulous Felines  (Read 1290 times)

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Madame Astrocat's Horoscope for Fabulous Felines
« on: June 01, 2006, 03:38:27 PM »
This came in my SNAP Newsletter today, too cute not to share!!

This month Madame Astrocat brings you enlightenment as well as astrological advice. Cats all know about their extraordinary abilities, but many humans do not. I thus condescend to offer some insight in this regard for the edification of you humans as part of my zodiacal advice to the world of fabulous felines.

Gemini (May 22 - Jun 21) Few humans are aware, dear Gemini, that a cat's night vision is six times better than theirs. The mischievous mood you find yourself in this month may compel you to demonstrate this fact to them. This is best done late at night by pouncing on socked feet from out of nowhere.

Cancer (June 22 - July 22) You may have a tricky fall this month, Cancer, but don't worry; you always land on your feet. We all do, of course. Little does the average human know how much skillful use of the ears and whiskers figure into the success of that trick.

Leo (July 23 - Aug 23) Leo, this month finds you in the mood to prove that cats have backbone. You'll do this by provoking the biggest dog you can find. Luckily, while cats may have backbone, we lack a true collarbone. This means that any space our heads can fit through, our bodies can fit through, too! That skill may come in handy for you.

Virgo (Aug 24 - Sept 22) Always the prim kitty, Virgo, this month finds you obsessively grooming yourself. Okay, well maybe it's not that excessive. Did you know that the average cat spends 30 percent of it's time grooming itself? There's a pretty kitty!

Libra (Sept 23 - Oct 22) You're in your usual social mood this month, Libra, so much so that the human occupants of your home may grow a little tired of your constant presence. Little do they know how hard it would be to escape you altogether. Cats have been known to travel thousands of miles to places they've never been to before to rejoin people who left them behind.

Scorpio (Oct 23 - Nov 21) Most cat-loving humans know that cats are highly sensitive. Few know that you, Scorpio, are the most intuitive of us all. Those living in earthquake zones might tend to be more aware of it though, especially if they have ever watched you run for cover well before the ground starts to shake.

Sagittarius (Nov 22 - Dec 21) Put on your deerstalker this month, Sag. You're in the mood for the hunt! Fortunately your outstanding sense of smell (14 times better than that of a human) will allow you to bag almost any quarry you seek from a field mouse in the garage to a filet of sole on the counter. Be prepared to run if you go after the latter.

Capricorn (Dec 22 - Jan 20) Don't be cross, Cap. Your human didn't know you were trying to revive an ancient tradition when you wrapped that dead mouse in the doormat. They don't know that the ancient Eqyptians used to mummify mice to bury with their cats, who were also mummified for their journey into the next world.

Aquarius (Jan 21 - Feb 19) Aquarius, you find yourself in the mood for the exotic this month. How about some Thai food? Maybe you can talk your humans into it by telling them the popular Thai legend that says highly spiritual people reincarnate as cats as their last stage on the way to heaven.

Pisces (Feb 20 - Mar 20) You are in the mood for a bath this month, Pisces, which makes you a little unusual as cats go. While most humans know that cats hate water, how many of them know that we're excellent swimmers nonetheless?

Aries (Mar 21 - Apr 20) Hey Aries, did you know that cats' hearts beat almost twice as fast as those of humans? Except of course when you leap up on the mantle and run between the wall and the urn where they keep Aunt Petunia's ashes. Then human hearts run just as fast as ours!

Taurus (Apr 21 - May 21) You're as steady as a clock Taurus, always there just when your human hopes you will be. Do you think they have heard about the studies that suggest cats may have ESP? Maybe they have but don't believe it. Silly humans.